people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
