Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
