and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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