Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
