so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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