Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
