Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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