Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
