i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
