halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dicks are not precious.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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