Don't make out with my wife yet
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
