she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
