Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
