Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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