I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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