So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
