I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize