I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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