While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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