just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
