Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
