I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
this just has baby written all over it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
