Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
