Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
