Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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