You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
