So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
