if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
