He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
it hurts more in the daytime
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
