remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
