Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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