You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
