that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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