he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
