Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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