I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My life is pants optional.
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