I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
