we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
did i walk over a car last night?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
