Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
