so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
