Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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