i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
