I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
