There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
