he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
