Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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