I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
