Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
