Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
