Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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