Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
