Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
We smell like vodka and hangover
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
