The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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