My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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