So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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