oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
